The Sexy Halloween Costume Apocalypse

It’s that special time of year where the sun sets earlier, the weather gets a little cooler, and you’re able to purchase a Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks.

Yep, it’s that glorious time of Halloween! Costume stores take up residence inside the defunct Border’s Bookstores or other shops. Suddenly you find yourself wondering, “What are your plans,” or “Does Halloween fall on a workday,” and maybe if you’re a HUGE fan, “Should I get the next day off?” But I think the ultimate question is, “What the hell am I going to dress up as?”

Some people hate this time of the year. I absolutely love it. When I was a kid, it was all about the pillowcase full of candy that I would try to hide from my parents after trick-or-treating so I could eat it year-round. (Don’t check the closet Dad!) And if Halloween fell on a school day, we wouldn’t be doing anything at school that day except watching kid-friendly scary movies, writing spooky stories, eating cupcakes and other treats, and having a costume parade during the last half of the day. It was my favorite day at school.

Not gonna lie. I also adored watching all those cheesy, kid-spooky Halloween movies like Witches, and of course, the iconic Sanderson sisters in Disney’s Hocus Pocus. And if you were a weirdo child like I was, you were already watching Alfred Hitchcock, Michael Myers, and Chucky at that young age. It was great.

HOCUS POCUS, Kathy Najimy, Bette Midler, Sarah Jessica Parker, 1993

But most of all, it was about dressing up and being in character! If you wanted to be a Princess for a day, you were a damn Princess. And screw anybody who didn’t treat you like one, right? Right. Although, if you grew up with frugal parents like mine, they never bought you the actual princess costume. They would say to you, “No, we’ll make our own and it will be so much better than the store-bought version!” Then you were left watching your girlfriends strut around wearing Belle’s beautiful golden ball gown while you were stuck wearing Belle’s blue and white peasant dress your mother had sewn together. (She thought it was a more accurate depiction of Belle’s character anyway since it was her wardrobe staple throughout the movie.)

“But Mom! I didn’t want to be Belle when she’s a peasant! I wanted to wear the golden gown! You know, when she looks like a princess and not the town weirdo-bookworm?” Oh, wait… how fitting. Crap.

Although deep down you were rather proud of what your mother had sewn together because she was in an old-school quilting guild, knew how to sew like a professional seamstress, and all those bitches in their store-bought costumes looked exactly the same. Then you found yourself smiling at your mother’s skill, acknowledging that she made it for you out of love, and not to mention, a lot of hard work. Then you would hold your head high as you paraded around in your unique costume.

It was always more fun being the odd one out. Your jokes were better, anyway.

Now that my youth is gone, Halloween candy is a little less appealing since I worry about what it’s going to do to my already-aging-body, and going trick-or-treating without a child may be viewed as “creeper status.” Things have definitely changed. I may not have as much of a desire to dress up as a princess, but one thing still remains the same: I love Halloween and costumes.

The invites for the Halloween parties start rolling in, Masquerade Ball fliers float around on the internet, and you wonder what they have in those costume stores? Now that I’m an adult and have my own income, (score!) I can go into these shops and purchase whatever beautiful gown or movie character depiction they have hanging from the wall. It’s great! So I walk into the costume store and the first thing I see is… A slutty costume version of Big Bird.

What the fuck?

Big Bird’s eyes are crossed and crooked and sliding down the top of the model’s head as if they’re a pair of over easy eggs. Uh… and why the hell is Big Bird eating her head? And last time I checked, Big Bird didn’t wear tacky, pink vinyl 70’s disco platforms either. But wait, don’t you get it? It’s supposed to be a sexy Big Bird! And, oh look! There’s a Cookie Skank-Monster right next to it so your friend can also join in on Slutty Street!

Big Bird Costume


Stop. Just… STOP.

Way to screw up my image of Big Bird, people. Couldn’t this be considered defamation? Can we please, enforce some kind of law here? I loved that big yellow bird when I was a kid. Remember the movie, “Follow that Bird?” I probably watched it a million times. I would sing along to the part where he’s blue, trapped in a cage, and wipe my tear-stained face while singing the words, “One little star… Shining on me tonight.” That’s called nostalgia, folks. Big Bird isn’t some young co-ed, just waiting to flash her “velvet flower” for anyone willing to join her garden. Don’t mess with my childhood icons, you shitty costume makers. Your deficient creativity is offensive.

It seems that these days, the concept of an adult female costume is equivalent to taking anything (obviously anything) and making it slutty. While the sexy cats, nurses, and cops have been done, it seems that these large costume manufacturers are upping the ante. They’ve begun this marketing campaign of taking things from our youth and over-sexualising them. They warp it into something provocative and make people pay a fortune for so little fabric. Yes, we know that Halloween is an excuse for even the most innocent of girls to show off their goodies and turn into Striperella if they damn well please. This is obviously encouraged. And hey, if you want to strut around with your lady bits hanging out, go right ahead. It really doesn’t bother me at all. I feel every woman has the right to express herself in any way she wants. I’m not saying I have an issue with slutty clothes. That’s not my gripe here at all.

I digress. Moving on.

But if you’re like me, you love the creative aspect of it all. Coming up with a kick-ass Halloween costume is something that challenges your ingenuity. It’s a test of, “How witty and creative can I be but still look hot?” I mean, of course I would like my Dolly Parton’s to show while they’re still defying gravity. No need to hang up the towel before I’m done swimming! And I especially want to look hot if I have a man. I already know he’s going to be surrounded by slutty nurses, sexy cops, and horny pirates who want to plunder his booty. Of course he’s going to be looking at them! Which is why I want him to turn around, look at me, and say to himself, “Wow! She looks good and her costume is awesome!” I want him to be proud of his girl for being so clever, and possibly ask me to keep on parts of the costume when we go home later that night and… you know.

It’s just too easy to dress up like a ho. It doesn’t take much thought or creativity. But to be sexy and clever. Now there’s a winner for ya! Sometimes you have to sacrifice being too revealing for the wit of the costume. But then this is where the creativity really comes into play! Making a zombified version of a Disney princess could be considered weird, but at least it’s different! And I’m sure there are plenty of people out there who have a bit of an aversion to princesses and wouldn’t mind seeing a few bloodied up. Besides, zombie equals torn clothing. Can we say, “Hello, side boob?”

I guess after all these years, I’ve adopted my mother’s mindset and feel that making your own costume is not only more cost efficient, (because, yeah, I have my own income now, therefore pay my own bills and totally get it), but it’s more unique and gratifying. You won’t be as lost in a sea of whore-clones, and you can still show off your beautiful self! I suggest that females everywhere should adopt this mindset. Single or taken- it doesn’t matter. Look clever and hot for your man to show him why he’s with you… Want to snag that hottie across the room at the party? Intelligence is sexy and every guy likes a girl who is smart as well as hot. Plus you’ll already have an ice breaker when he asks you how you came up with such a great costume.

You’re welcome.

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