There’s vampires and then there’s zombies. Sure vamps have become quite popular, but let’s face it. Which do you think is more probable? Everyone is wondering, “When is the zombie apocalypse going to hit?” As we continue on with the advancement of science and technology, the possibility of an outbreak becomes more real with each Fox-News-episode at a time. We’re all riding on the Titanic and that apocalyptic iceberg looms ahead.
The “bath salts” scare has already gotten people stocking up on canned food, engaging in a little weapon hoarding, and adding some reinforcement to their doors and windows. Nothing like seeing a headline of “Man Eats another Man’s Face!” to get you into wanting to learn how to fire a gun. Am I right, or am I right?
But where do we start? What do we need? Dear GOD, WHAT DO WE DO?!
Just… relax. Because lucky for you, I’ve compiled a list of eight simple survival rules to follow. Add to them, but know these and know them well. Also… BACON! People are going to go bat-shit crazy. You need to know how to get on the good side of that guy who is a total bad-ass in archery. (No one cared about him before the apocalypse. But then he becomes a complete ladies’ man.) And especially if you’re not the biggest or strongest, you can easily make friends with others who are great at killing zombies by having bacon on hand. In a world where our monetary system becomes null and void due to apocalyptic ruin, bacon will be quite the bartering tool. So grab an axe, some guns, and get yourself some bacon.
Here we go:
1. Get it together. Don’t lock yourself in your house or apartment and wait for rescue. It ain’t coming. You’re on your own when the zombie apocalypse hits. So stop screaming, losing your shit, and get-it-the-fuck-together! Chances are, the cops in your city would rather eat your face than rescue you.
2. Get armed. You are going to need to fight for survival. It’s kill or get eaten. You will need guns, ammo, swords, axes, knives… basically, anything sharp and pointy. Preferably something with a long handle that you can manage well. You’re going to be swinging that baby around a lot and the longer handle will mean less contact from their infectious bites. You can even give your weapon a name or term of endearment if you’d like. Just to spice things up a bit. Hammy the Hammer will do the job. Also any other blunt, heavy objects are good, but you’re going to want to wear protective face wear. Think goggles or masks. You don’t want any of the zombies’ blood, spit, saliva, and juices to splatter onto you. Otherwise, you’ll be one of the walking dead and your best friend will have to shoot you in the head. Not cool, bro.
3. Get covered up. You’re going to want to have your skin covered as much as possible. And I’m not talkin’ long john pajamas and a turtle neck. Sturdy, thicker material is good. You need to protect your skin from possible bites. You can get armored gear at any hunting or sporting goods store. Women: No slutty clothes. No one cares. It’s an apocalypse! Sex will be a scarcity for most in the heat of it all, so don’t inadvertently advertise that as your bartering tool. Cover those boobies up, ladies. This is real life, not a TV show.
4. Get out of the city. If you’re in a big city, get out! You’ll want to go where there’s less people. Less people means less zombies you need to fight off. What’s a better ratio? Two or two thousand? I’m not very good with numbers but you can do the math.
5. Get supplies. You’ll need bottled water, food, ammo, gas, bacon… Loot the large stores in a small town. It’s not stealing when you’re in the middle of a zombie apocalypse. It’s survival.
6. Barricade. Think of the middle ages. Those castles were dank, smelly, and pretty nasty. But a lot of them were fortresses when under attack. Zombies are just like medieval soldiers. They’ll batter and batter until they can get in. (That’s what she said.) Drop some big ass bombs down on them and make it rain fire! (Think: Battle of Blackwater Bay in Season 2, Game of Thrones.) Being on the move leaves you more exposed. You want to be protected. You’re not going to be able to kill all the zombies out there so you’ll have to wait it out; at least until after the first initial wave of the storm hits. Find shelter and make it your fortress. Fancy chandelier optional, but not necessary.
7. Know your exits and your terrain. This will help you get out of hairy situations. Knowing where to go gives you an advantage over the zombies. If you can’t find a weapon, your only option will be to run. You better know where you’re running off to otherwise you may trip, run into something, or fall down a cliff. A sprained ankle will mean you’re going to be zombie delicatessen. Don’t make yourself an appetizer- figure out your surroundings whenever you can.
8. Search for survivors. Safety in numbers! The key element to your survival is your sanity. You will go insane if you don’t have anyone to talk to except for your gun and a stuffed doll. You’ve seen it happen in all the movies. People start to lose it. Humans are social beings, whether or not most of us want to admit that. We crave companionship. So if you start having conversations with the walls and other inanimate objects, you’re one step away from “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”. And that shit’s not surviving, my friend.
And there you have it. Eight rules to help you get through the shit storm that just blew its feces all over your world of normalcy. Remember them and meanwhile, better start using that gym membership for more than reasons of vanity, my dear.