Now, I’ve received a lot of awful pickup lines throughout my years of being a woman. Granted some were worse depending upon the location. (Example: Seedy bar, trendy club, frat parties… A friend’s wedding…) But I felt the need to make note of these and discuss what makes them so great in their awfulness. Now, in no particular order, let’s begin!

1. “I like your glasses. I bet you can read good.”

This line was thrown at me when I was 21 and walking across a crowded bar. I was with two girlfriends and our hands were linked as we walked through the crowd, train-style, making our way to the bathroom. Of course, we hit a road block. Some drunk guy in a green polo made note of my glasses. My first reaction was to correct him on his terrible grammar… then I wanted to tell him that glasses had nothing to do with reading ability as much as they did my seeing ability. In fact, I’m nearsighted; which means I actually don’t need glasses at all to read up close. But instead of voicing all these logical things to him, I just stared dumbfounded until the roadblock had passed. I still will never forget how stupid he looked.

2. “Hey girl, I really like your lip gloss.”

Again, at a crowded bar, waiting for the bartender so I could order a drink. Another drunk guy. I don’t know how long he was staring at my lips. I muttered a thanks and turned away from him to avoid him wanting to touch my lip gloss.

3. “Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?”

No joke. Yes, someone has actually fed me this joke-of-a-line. In his defense I was wearing some really hot shoes.

4. “So you’re an assistant to a blind English teacher? Cool! I bet you must know Sign Language!”

Now, this technically wasn’t a pick-up line. The guy was already talking to me. He had asked what I did for work and so I told him. This was his response. Wow. Facepalm for the win on this guy. Instead of dismissing his idiocy, I called him out on it. He obviously felt pretty stupid because he avoided me for the rest of the night. This was at a friend’s housewarming party.

5. “Nice nail polish! You must really like the color blue. It’s your favorite, huh?”

Yes, I was indeed wearing some really blue nail polish. The kind of blue that’s very noticeable and makes everyone stare at your hands if you’re an animated talker such as myself. But guys, c’mon! Just because a girl is wearing a certain color nail polish/purse/shirt/hair flower/shoes does not mean it’s her favorite color! We’re women. And if we seem to be the very girly type of woman, we know the difference between forest green and jungle green. Just because we’re wearing it, doesn’t mean it’s our favorite color. Come up with something more creative than that ice-breaker. Besides, do you know how indecisive most women are? Do you really think most of us have a favorite color?

6. “Hey! Would you like some of my candy? I swear I didn’t poison it!”

Halloween party. I could dismiss this since it was a Halloween party, but dude. Now I really don’t want any of your candy. Because it is a Halloween party, the fact that you’re pulling candy out of your pockets is really not as strange as, say, had it been in March. But the fact that you had to mention that you didn’t poison it, makes me wonder what you did actually do to it…

7. “You have an amazing ass.”

Ok, now I had to throw this one in here because it hasn’t been said by just one, but multiple men. Now, I’m not saying that because I’m an egotistical maniac who thinks she has the world’s greatest ass. No. I’m throwing this one in here because it’s been said as a pickup line so often, that it has to be noted. Those of you with ample back-seating know what I mean. I once had a guy escort me to my friend’s car, open the car door for me, and told her to “Drive safe to take care of ‘dat ass.” No joke.

8. “I just hate straight people, don’t you?”

This was just awful because I am, in fact, straight. I was waiting in line at a Lesbian club. My friends were on the dance floor and I really, really had to take a piss. I ended up talking to the girl who was waiting in line in front of me. We threw a few lines back and forth about the long wait, our “I have to pee” dances, and then finally the music. Now, I’m a Chatty-Cathy. I will talk to anyone, and usually can talk to anyone. I don’t know if she took this as flirting or not, but she smiled and moved closer to me as she said this. When I told her I was straight, she reacted as if she found out I had an incurable airborne disease. Pretty shitty, in my opinion.

9. “So, does the carpet really match the drapes?”

Another, “I can’t believe you seriously just asked me that,” line. Yes, I’m a natural blonde. Yes, my hair has also gotten darker with age, but it’s still blonde. I’ve been asked if it’s my natural color (even when it wasn’t with the aid of lighteners) many, many times which is fine. I was always proud of my blonde because it’s rather rare. Through a little research, I have learned that natural blondes take up only 2% of the population. Granted, I don’t like the negative connotation associated with blondes and their intelligence, but you still see an astounding number of women bleaching their hair. But this question is just fucking ridiculous. Pubic hair is much different than the hair on your fucking head! Some people have curly pubes while their hair on their head is straight. Plus, my hair lightens due to sun exposure. I’m not walking around with my vagina hanging out! And men, how do you explain all those little red, black, brown, and even blonde hairs in your beard when your hair on your head is dark brown? Ugh. I rest my case.

10. “You would make a really good Mom. Ya know, cause of your wide hips.”

There are just so many things wrong with this line. So many. But I had to make this the last one because of how awful it was. No, I was not already engaged in conversation with this guy. He had been looking at me most of the night, and this was the first thing he said to me. I have to say I was a little freaked out. With my wild imagination, I started wondering if he was a serial killer with a fetish for women with big hips. Like, maybe his mother had wide hips, and he has serious Mommy issues, and there’s a pile of wide-hipped women in some hole under his house! Or… He’s just a really socially inept guy, and this was all he could think of… And then on top of it, “Are you calling me fat?” It was weird and awful and scary, all at the same time. All I could think to say was, “Umm, thanks? I’ll let my boyfriend know. He’ll be thrilled.” I didn’t have a boyfriend but I did proceed to walk away.

So there you have it. I know I’ve had worse and some that were just hilarious… but these happened to spring to mind. Beautiful, aren’t they?