10 Ways to Know if You’re a Hot Mess

Sure, there are more than 10. Sure, you may very well not be a hot mess, even though you’re reading this. (Hey, lots of us like to read these things for shits and giggles.) But maybe you know someone who does fall into one of more of these categories. Maybe you’re dating them, maybe they’re your best friend. But whatever the reason, please understand this: There’s a significant difference between having a serious problem (where you should seek help) and just plain being a mess. Being a mess also means growing. A lot of us may have been guilty of one or more of these things before. It’s all apart of the growing process. Some get past it a little faster than others. Some missed out on being a mess by making bad decisions, and wish they did once go to the bar four times a week. Now they really can’t. It’s all growing up. These are just the signs that you may have a longer way to go if they apply to you. Enjoy.

1.      You get drunk far too often.

I don’t mean a couple times a week. I mean, c’mon. You generally know if you’re getting drunk too often. Don’t delude yourself. Be honest, you know. You think to yourself, “Shit, I drink too much.” On the flip side: You have three or four days off work for vacation and find yourself getting hammered each night. Do you have any kids? No? Then, you’re fine. Don’t be too hard on yourself. But if you’re getting drunk every day/night when you get off work and you’ve noticed that the only times you’re sober is when you’re at work… You may have a problem and be more than just a hot mess.

2.      You post rants on Facebook that should probably be left to your Diary or Journal.

Ok, social media has been around long enough for people to understand its rules and social norms. If you post a status on your Facebook swearing off men (or women), bashing them, and writing some pretty hateful and negative generalizations; only then to have a lovey-dovey post about them a week later, you look like a hot mess. Oh yes, and the paragraphs of overly broad statements about being treated right, or deserving love and respect… you’re not fooling anyone. We know it’s aimed at someone specific and it just looks like you’re desperately seeking attention and being unattractively passive aggressive. Stop it. The only people who will “like” those statuses are your close friends or those who already know the story (or someone trying to get into your pants). Everyone else is rolling their eyes. Keep the private stuff, private. And if you really want to air out your dirty laundry for all to see… be specific and let it all hang out there! At least you’ll entertain us with the mess of it all. (Rants about work, traffic, a bad day, collections agencies, cops, or an asshole stranger are totally acceptable. We’ve all been there.)

3.      You’ve slept with a guy you met at a bar the same night… over a handful of times… all of them different men… and it’s only been a month.

I really don’t think this needs too much of an explanation. Can we say STDs? They’re not a myth, ya know. Sure, there’s such a thing as being young, single, hot, and sexual. It’s great to explore your sexuality. But there’s a difference between not respecting yourself and exploring your sexuality. Let’s look at all the variables. One: You’re probably drunk so you’re not making a very rational, educated decision. And he (or she) is most likely not as hot as you think they are. Two: You met them at a bar. You know nothing about them except for the fact that they like doing shots of Fireball Whiskey and they work in the banking industry (you don’t remember doing what, exactly- did they say banking or baking?). Three: This is the most unsafe hookup (aside from finding someone on Craigslist) that you could possibly engage in. And last but not least, the fourth one. What kind of self-esteem do you have that you need to hook-up with a random person every night you go to the bar? What about your friends? Aren’t you concerned they may be worried about you or pissed that you’re ditching them for a plaid shorts wearing douchebag? (“Wait, was he wearing Affliction? Hell no!”) Time to reevaluate your worth, sweetheart. Because you’re being a hot mess.

4.      You wear yesterday’s (or last night’s) makeup to work.

And you do it often. I understand the occasional being-too-tired-to-wash-your-face and falling asleep thing. Then suddenly, you’ve slept through your alarm and have to get to work. A quick check in the mirror says your make-up still looks wearable. I get it. I’ve done it. But if you’re going out a lot, and you go into work with last night’s stuff on? Eww. Please, go wash your face and treat your skin right. It only gets worse with age. (Men, this goes for not taking a shower after three days. Gross. You guys produce more stinky aromas from your body crevices. Please go shower.)

5.      You know you can’t afford it, but your bar tab reaches or exceeds a hundred dollars… and it’s only a Wednesday.

And you’re doing it multiple times a week. Be smart. As much as we wish upon a star, scrunch up our nose, rub dirty lamps, and throw pennies into the fountain… money will not grow on trees. And your credit score will plummet leaving your life much harder as time goes on. Be smart and don’t live beyond your means. Your friends should be mature enough to understand this, and offer a “bottle of wine night” at home instead.

6.      You’ve been inside a bar more times in a week than you have the gym.

Well, at least you know you’re working out your liver! But that beer gut will only get worse. And, pssst… Did you know that your metabolism slows down with age? Here’s another interesting fact: If you’re unhappy and drinking away your sorrows, you’re turning into an even bigger hot mess. Working out increases the amount of serotonin, hence making you happier and more motivated. Drinking actually depletes your serotonin levels. So even though you may be happy when you get to that inebriated state; afterward when you become sober, you’ll feel like you got hit by a truck; whence before it was just a shopping cart. Just some food for thought.

7.      You eat Top Ramen everyday.

Ok. Top Ramen every once in awhile is fine. It’s salty and sometimes it’s there and it’s fast. Done. But everyday? It’s doesn’t have any quality nutrients and you should be much better to your body than that. And if you don’t know how to cook, go buy a Lean Cuisine at least. Top Ramen is a very, very sad meal.

8.      Your drug dealer is on speed dial.

No need for much of an explanation here. And I’m not talking about pot. I’m talking about coke or anything hard. If you’re doing coke everyday (or can’t even go to a party- any party- without doing a hard drug) you’re definitely a hot mess.

9.      You’re constantly mooching off your friends.

Examples: You never buy your own cigarettes but you smoke almost a whole pack at each outing. You never buy your own drinks when you’re at a bar/club but you still manage to get drunk. You never buy meals but you’re going out to eat all the time and still get full. You never drive anywhere but you’re always out and about at places NOT walking distance from your house. You’re constantly breaking things (phone, iPod, computer, etc.) but you always seem to get a new one without going to the store.

You, my friend, are a moocher. Some may say this is a clever way to save money. But this is just plain selfish, disrespectful, and immature. Stop using your friends as tools, grow the fuck up, and take care of your own shit. One day you may not be so lucky. Be a productive member of society, get a better job, and stop being a hot mess. And pay back your damn friends, will you?

10.     Every time you go out, after the bar closes, you’re not done partying. And you’re that person always looking for an after party.

Now, c’mon. Enough is enough. If you’ve been at the bar since 9 or earlier, it’s time to shut it down. Go home and go to sleep like everyone else. I understand the occasional nightcaps, especially if you’re looking to get tangled up in the sheets with someone. But I’m talking about every time you go out? Chill the fuck out! There’s more to life than the bar! For those of you that showed up to the bar at 11pm or later: Why the hell did you show up so late? It’s not the bar’s fault- you knew what time they closed. Also, most of us in the “normal hours” working world, only get two nights of the week where we don’t have to worry about waking up early the next day. If it’s a Wednesday night, and you know you don’t have to be up till noon the next day, good for you. Don’t get mad at the people who do have to wake up early. So if you’re not done partying when the party’s over, you’re most likely: A hot mess.

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